life lately

I love Sundays. It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and it's quiet. No mailman at the door, no delivery truck, just the gentle hum of the blades of the electric fan as I try to take a nap. Only today, I can't.




I don't exactly know how to describe the whole spectrum of emotions I'm dealing with at the moment. All I know is that they're all bubbling to the surface and it's all I can do to just not implode. Yesterday, I broke down in front of my sister in the mall and I looked like an idiot.

I'm 24 years old now, almost halfway through my twenties. Yes, I know life isn't a race and everyone operates on a different timeline. But for the longest time, I thought I had it figured out. I was so sure of who I was, who I wanted to be, and what kind of impact I wanted to make on the world. But now, I'm not so sure. This isn't where I thought I'd be, at 24.

It's problematic, because things don't excite me anymore. I used to be so passionate about everything, but now, most things feel like a means to an end. I've given up lamenting how I have no time because I know there will never be enough of it. All the talents and skills I thought I had growing up, now feel so incredibly mediocre. I no longer know how to write and I find it difficult to express myself. I feel so inadequate on so many fronts, so behind compared to everyone else. My family is great but most days, I feel like the most selfish person in the world. On any regular day, I function perfectly fine, but I don't want to just 'function.' Auto-pilot isn't a good space to be in.

This isn't new; i'm not a special snowflake. Every millennial and their friend seems to be going through a quarter life crisis of some sort. But I'm feeling the whole weight of it now and me telling myself it's normal or inconsequential doesn't negate any of it. The only upside to all of this, is that I've turned to fitness as a sort of outlet. Prepping my meals and hitting the gym seem to be the only things I can control at the moment. A year or two from now, if I'm still having these problems (God forbid), at least I can wallow in my sadness but be as swift as a coursing river at the same time. Ha ha ha....

Anyhow, I'm well aware that nothing in my life will change unless I do something about it. These feelings of inadequacy and stagnation are there because I've allowed them to make a home. But I refuse to water their roots; I'm alive and want to feel nothing less.

So I've started tiny shifts, small changes. I don't mean uprooting myself and moving to another country to eat, pray, love -  just little things to get me excited again. I started a photo project to get me excited being behind the lens, like I used to. I signed up for a life drawing class to get back into traditional art. I've been watching those films I've always wanted to watch but never made time for. It's not where I want to be yet, but it's a start.

Baby steps but at the very least, I'm trying.